It's July

Wow...I can't believe we are in July. I remember when I was in high school I said to a friend that July was such a boring month and that I never really have much going on then. Hmmm...who would of thought those words would replay in my head years later. Fast forward to July 2011 and it seems like there is so much this month has brought me in the last 3 years. In 2008, I gave birth to my first little one M. He will be 3 at the end of July. In 2010, our sleeping baby arrived. I miss him so much. I remember last year on July 13th at 8:45am falling into a hole I would never be able to completely climb out of. I remember feeling so empty, shocked, and terrified all at the same time. I replay that day in my head over and over again like it was yesterday. I checked in on that Tuesday morning into the hospital with a baby inside my stomach and left on Friday empty handed, ready to drive around to various funeral homes to find a resting place for my son. My son??? Wow...how unnatural is that?? Then I came home to a screaming one year old at that point who was so confused as to why I was crying and why mommy only wanted to be in bed. He gave my mom such a hard time because when all I wanted to do was stay in that hole and cry, he wanted his mom. I can honestly say that because of him I slowly made myself function. M kept me alive in some way last July. He still does. Jeremiah passed away 13 days before M was about to turn 2. I had prepared a huge party for him. Of course, it was cancelled but the night before, I did invite some little people to come and celebrate with him but I remember still being in that hole. The hole where the ONLY light was M. I remember holding him tight everyday and sometimes being so scared of losing him too. I felt like I had to hover over him and protect him. Luckily, I let him be himself and tried to give him his own space.  A day after M's birthday my mom was set to go back to Miami, my husband was going back to work, and I was suppose to stay home with M all alone. Why was something I had a million times, staying home with my toddler alone so scary?? I begged my mom to stay another day, begged my husband to stay. They both said no both trying to explain to me that it would be good for me for them to leave and that Jose would be back later. I remember crying and crying after they left as I had a little face looking at me with confusion. I kept telling myself I had to be okay for him. I finally did and obviously a year later am able to function and be a good mom to my 2 almost 3 year old, but I still feel like even though I have crawled out of that hole I still kind of linger on the edge of it. Hoping to stay out of it. Some days I fall in just a few inches but hold on to the side and get back out, never far enough from it's gravitational pull.

So to the girl in high school who naively said July is a boring month for me....know that July became a bitter sweet month 10 years later. Here is hoping and praying for a much better July this year. One where everything goes differently than with Jeremiah. One where we remember him and celebrate the lives of his living siblings.