Facebook???

Ahh... Facebook!! I have a love hate relationship with this social networking site. It is such a wonderful way to stay in touch with friends and family. However, it can bring out certain emotions especially as a BLM. When I first loss Jeremiah, I deactivated my account. It was so frustrating and infuriating to hear pregnancy updates as well as newborn baby pictures. After a few months in November 2010, I reactivated it mainly because I wanted to keep in touch with certain people. However in January I deactivated it again. I recently activated it again shortly before Jeremiah's angel day in July. Mainly because I wanted people to remember him on his special day. I also kept it open to announce Baby V's arrival. After deleting half of my friends list, (Mainly people who I really just had on my friends list because I knew them) it has been active since. Well yesterday I remembered why I had deactivated it for such a long period of time. My husband's stepbrothers wife is currently pregnant with baby #3. She was very neglectful with her first 2 pregnancies and there were rumors that she had been smoking with baby 2. These two little ones are now 5 and 6. At that time, I was irritated with her because I would give anything to be in her position, I had a really hard time getting pregnant with my first child and could not believe that she took that for granted. I am not a perfect mom, but I don't care if I look like a hot mess but my house and kids look in order. And up until V's birth I worked full time. (I have taken the school year off to stay home with my two munchkins...) Her house is always a mess, her kids are always dirty and she does not work. Now here is her husbands post from yesterday-----

This was smoked by my wife in about a little over a month. Note that she has known she's pregnant for 3 months.

Really?????? I did everything I could to keep Jeremiah alive. I took the medicines doctors told me to, I did every test they made me run. I took my prenatals every day, made sure I ate healthy foods, etc. Never once did I do anything knowingly to harm him but yet he's gone!! Gone forever and this chick is sitting here knowingly putting these toxins in her body. Really??? I did not comment on his post. It took everything in me not to...mainly because my husband told me not to get involved and he is right. But it is still infuriating- all I can do is pray that- that little one in her body gets here safely. I also sit here wondering if I should deactivate my account again.  Mainly because posts like this send me back to that angry place- a place where I fall back into grief. They are horrible triggers. I guess that is life---full of triggers from Styrofoam coolers to little flags in the ground they all trigger that same sadness all over again. The constant reminder that someone so important is missing.

I love you Jeremiah!!!

Dreams

While pregnant with Jeremiah I had a couple of dreams where I dreamt I had a baby and of course M was in the dream too, he doted on his sibling and played around them. M helped with and asked questions about the baby. The only problem- The baby was a girl. I was pregnant with a boy. After I loss him I had another weird dream where I had a six month old daughter and Matthew. Yet I wasn't pregnant at that point nor did I know if I would have another.  I found that dream strange as well. Then I had this dream about Jeremiah...but he wasn't in it. While pregnant with V--- I had another dream where I was pregnant with twins, one was a boy who passed away at 28 weeks (that's when we loss Jeremiah) and the other baby was a girl but since she was still healthy I had to carry her to term, she was born at 37 weeks (which is when V was born.) Two nights ago I had this dream where my two earth babies were playing and Jeremiah's name kept being said, however no image of Jeremiah. Now that V is here and things happened the way they did with her pregnancy many of these dreams make sense. Although I have heard about the power of dreams I ever really put much thought into them until just recently when V was born. There is one dream I wish I could have- one of Jeremiah- his image and his life in heaven. That is one I would love to have-I wonder if I ever will.....

I would love to hear about your dreams of your baby after your loss or while pregnant with your babies. I think there is something to them.

Hugs to you all!

The Alternative

Before I start my post I want to ask that you keep Dana- Jacob's mommy in your thoughts as she is still pregnant with her rainbow but things are not looking so great. Also, I met Whitney last October at the AMEND support group. She lost her daughter Emma last February to a rare form of dwarfism. She was told by doctors about her daughters condition at 12 weeks but chose to carry Emma to term. She got married this March and has now moved to Australia. She found out 2 or 3 months ago she was expecting her rainbow and I found out this morning that she has lost her little rainbow at 12 weeks. Please also keep her in your thoughts.

This post may be offensive but please know this is not the intention. It really is just to get my thoughts out about the alternative that could have been.

I have a friend who had her son Joshua at 24 weeks. He was due in April 2009 and was born in Dec 2008. He was born at 1 pound 2 ounces and was 12 inches long. My friend L was on bed rest in the hospital starting at 21 weeks because they found that her cervix had been open for a while and the baby was in danger, she had missed some of her pre-natal appointments so that doctor did not want to take any chances. She was in the hospital for 4 weeks on bedrest. During this time, I was home on maternity leave with M so I spoke to her on a daily basis. I wasn't able to visit her because I had a 4 month old at home that I did not want to take to the hospital- mainly because I did not think it was the best place for him. I never will forget that Sunday morning at 7 am when I got the call from my other friend V to tell me that Baby Joshua had been born in such a fragile state. I remember feeling numb and just praying over and over for her and the baby.I remember feeling enraged when my friend told me that the doctor asked L if she wanted them to try to save Joshua or just let him go. I remember thinking that it would be a long road for her to take the baby home from the NICU. Never once do I remember thinking she would lose the baby.I thought the NICU would surely save him. In the months that followed Joshua had lots of problems with his heart, lungs, brain, intestines. Every time I would speak to her my heart would drop because it felt like something was always "wrong". I finally got a chance to get to the hospital to visit Josh and his proud parents in March. At this point, he was weighing 3 pounds and was still on some machines as well as having his brain drained twice a day. I remember thinking how small he was and what a fighter he was. Baby Joshua went home in April and life really changed for L and her husband. She stopped working as a second grade teacher once she was put on bedrest and her husband works a minimum wage job. Joshua had weekly appointments to all types of specialists, therapists, etc. Before leaving the hospital Joshua had a shunt put in to his head to help with the leaking in his brain and my friend L was told that there was a possibility that he would have cerebral palsy. She took the rest of the school year and summer to stay with Joshua. She went back to work in the fall of  2009. I met with her a couple of times that school year for dinner along with my other friend V. In July of 2010 we met again for the summer. I was pregnant with Jeremiah and had a very active almost 2 year old. L was there with Joshua. Joshua who was now a year and 1/2 old was still needing to be carried by his mom. He had no movement in his legs only in his arms, was non verbal, and was still drinking in a bottle because he could not have solid foods yet. I remember looking at him and it brought sadness to my heart. I too had a one year old who was about to turn 2 who was talking and running around. I wondered if seeing M brought her sadness that her son who was almost the same age could not do any of the same things. Even with his adjusted age that most babies born early have he was still behind with his milestones. Little did I know that a couple days later I would be giving birth to a little boy with no heartbeat, a little boy whom just like my friend L had for Josh, I had hopes and dreams for. After he was born of course I thought about Joshua. Would I have wanted the same life for my Jeremiah? A life where he would have to be taken care of by someone for the rest of his life. A life where he would be analyzed by doctor after doctor. Would that have been looked at as selfish?? Last week, I heard that L had to take another school year off to take care of Joshua. His condition has not gotten any better and as he is getting bigger needs more support. Hearing about this made me think back about my immediate feelings about Jeremiah (possible alternative). Would I have had the strength that my friend has shown day after day in the care of Joshua? How would have M dealt with the situation? How would my life had changed? Would baby V be in the picture right now? Obviously the thoughts still linger in my mind but only one thing is a fact- I never had the choice to experience the alternative...I experienced the worst case scenario.

Worry Wart

I have been having a hard day today. Worry occupies my mind. I totally miss Jeremiah but am also hating the fact that I have to be so such a different mom this time around. When M was born I worried, but this time it is different I worry with V so much. I know the reality of losing a baby and the thought of it happening again gives me nausea. I take nothing for granted with her. I give her and M extra kisses, I make sure that I tell them I love them. I check on both of them continuously. I guess the hard part about the whole situation is I also don't want to be a helicopter parent and hover over them without giving them a chance to explore the world on their own. It is such a fine line it's hard not to cross it but also be cautious and guard them.

I read this on another BLM blog today and it did make me feel better.....

"This is the beginning of a new day.  You have been given this day to use as you will.  You can waste it or use it for good.  What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind...let it be something good."

-Author Unknown