A Rollercoaster Week

This week has been both exciting and sad. I want to start by saying I have gotten more items donated for Jeremiah's boxes so I am very excited! Now to the sad side, I have a very close friend who said to me this week that they empathized with me about the loss of Jeremiah. I don't know why but that really bothered me. Now this is someone I trust immensely and whose advice and knowledge I value but the way they said it or just those words hit me like glass shattering my skin. This person has three very healthy kids- how could they empathize?? I am really not trying to be selfish but unless you have lost a child there is no way you could empathize with me. Then they went on to say think about all those people who don't know where their child is....I have lost my daughter at the grocery store and it was horrible. I thought...there is no way you can compare, I haven't had a missing child but there is still some type of hope that you will find your child alive. This conversation made me realize that yes, my husband and friends may be sad and heart broken about his death, but no one would ever know him the way I did. I got to feel Jeremiah, I spoke to him, I carried him with love for 28 weeks. It just makes me angry someone had the nerve to say they "empathize" with me but really did not think that statement through. Or maybe he caught me on a bad day. I don't know. I miss him greatly and can't believe it's almost been 7 months since I got to kiss his cheek or caressed his forehead for the last time.

Jeremiah's Boxes

Ever since I lost Jeremiah, I have been trying to find a way to give back. I've tried to think of ways to write each angels name in a creative way or do something in every angels memory. Unfortunately, I have yet to find a way. However, I did find a way to do it locally. I originally decided I would hold garage sales and sell baked goods etc. to donate markers to the families at babyland, where Jeremiah is who do not have the funds for the marker. Again, I ran into some logistical problems, first markers are very, very expensive. I didn't want to be put in a position where I had to pick one family over another. So I went back to the drawing board.

I looked on other BLM blogs and such and noticed these boxes many of them were donating to hospitals for families who lost their babies. Honestly, I wish I would have gotten a box like that when I loss Jeremiah. There was so much going on that I didn't think about having my husband go to Target and get Jeremiah an outfit or an imprint kit. I also didn't know if I should take pictures at that point I really didn't really want to see or hold Jeremiah either....it was all so foreign  to me and I was really scared. Luckily, I asked the nurse for advice, she talked to me about holding him and letting the hospital photographers take his picture. I am so glad I did!! I would have loved to to have more to remember him by. If I would have gotten a box with items from someone who has lived in that world, I would have used it. I would have loved to have an imprint kit, stuff to give him a bath with, a cute little outfit or blanket to wrap him in that did not belong to the hospital. I decided that this would be what I would do to give back and also remember my little bull frog.

I spoke to the lady who runs the AMEND support group in my area and she loved the idea. Since she does go to the hospital to meet families after their loss she said she would bring the boxes with her and give them to the families while they still had their babies there. The next thing I did was send an email to friends and family as well as other AMEND parents to see if they would be willing to donate some of the items for the boxes. I was amazed at the response I have gotten so far. I have had people at work bring me picture frames, candles, stuffed animals, seeds, etc and it has only been 3 days!!! I also had a fellow BLM from AMEND make heart shaped bean bags in memory of her angel Emma. I am really excited and am hoping that if the boxes need to be given to a family who has lost their precious baby that maybe I can help eliminate some of the regrets that I had after loosing Jeremiah. This is Jeremiah's footprint, I plan on making these boxes for as long as I can to keep his memory alive.

Below is a picture of some of the things so far.....

As far as angel baby names I'm sure I will come up with something soon....I promise!!

Disney's Up

I first want to say thank you to Mary for telling me how to make a separate page for Jeremiah's name collection. I worked on it this morning and am so pleased at how it looks.

I watched the movie Up for the first time today with M. I absolutely loved it. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. One part of the movie especially touched me. There is one part of the movie where they want to have children, they work on a nursery and then the next shot is of the female character in a doctors office crying, she then sits in her yard crying and her husband comes and comforts her. Its not really explained whether they had a loss or whether they couldn't have children. I really liked the way Disney portrayed this, for it to be recognized and brought up made me happy. People don't really realize what it's like to 1- not be able to get pregnant  or 2- what it's like to have a loss. It is literally like hitting a brick wall in life and in order to keep going, you have to find a way around this awful brick wall in your life. In this movie they portray how this couple did this during their time together, they focused on the new adventure.  So here I go starting today- I am focused on my new adventure and staying positive about it!!

Jeremiah's Name Collection

I have no idea how to put this on the side bar or how to make it it's own page so for now I'll leave it like this. Thank you to everyone who took the time to write my little bull frogs name!!

Alike yet so very Different

During the holidays we always make a four hour trip to visit both of our families. This year we opted not to....the last time we were down there in June was to welcome and celebrate the upcoming birth of our little one. It was definitely going to be to difficult to see family but also knowing we were leaving Jeremiah behind 4 hours away was a nagging thought. Plus my brother and sister-in-law just welcomed their third little boy and my cousin had her little girl on Jeremiah's due date.I just could not do it this year. Because of this my mom came to visit this past weekend to give M his Christmas presents and to spend some time with us. I really missed her and was so glad she came.

While she was here she told me about another cousin who lives in Texas that also lost their baby a couple of months after we loss Jeremiah. His wife was 24 weeks along and they went in for a scheduled ultrasound and their was no heartbeat. This family also has a little boy already about 2 years older than my M. They were also really excited to have another little boy join their family. These are all the things that were the same between our 2 stories. Now here is the difference- they chose not to bury their baby. They left him in the hospital, so the hospital could take care of the body. They also chose not to name their son and also choose not to talk or remember him. This I definitely do not understand. I know everyone grieves differently but in my eyes (my eyes doesn't mean I am right) this sounds so cold and harsh.  I would not know how to go from planning a nursery and giving that little person an identity in my family and just being able to just wipe it from the slate. It is hard for me to forget him and I make it a point to include his name and memory to all we do as a family. I guess I will never understand but I do hope they find a way to cope and find peace because I am sure it is not easy.

Tomorrow marks the 6 month mark of when we loss Jeremiah. I can't believe it has been half  a year already.....I miss him so much and can only hope that God is teaching him about his family who walk the earth.

I LOVE YOU JEREMIAH!!

2010

As I sit here this morning on the first day of a new year, I have been thinking what a bittersweet year 2010 was to me and my family. I remember making a new years resolution that I would loose weight and hopefully in July once M turned 2, Jose and I would try again for baby #2. Little did we know other plans were in the works. In March I found out I was pregnant. I was in shock. After a couple of weeks we went to the doctors office and to our surprise we found out I was 12 weeks along. I remember thinking I was happy I made it through the first trimester without even knowing it because the baby would be here earlier than expected and that I would get this "pregnancy" thing over with since it happened sooner than I expected. I also remember how ungrateful I was for Jeremiah. I never really stopped and thanked God for blessing us with this little boy. I never really prayed for him, just that I get this over with, how was I so ungrateful? I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would act like that. I have always been very caring and known that life is short. I blame myself for getting comfortable and taking life for granted. Was it really that miserable to help sustain another life? Well I got what I prayed for...it was over with sooner than later.

2010 you've taught me to love more and be more grateful for everything I have. I am grateful for just waking up in the morning, grateful for just seeing the sun out even the rain has a purpose and I am grateful for it.  This year has also taught me that hugs ad kind words also have their purpose and sometimes people just need their gas tanks filled with some love and appreciation. I know its hard some days to be kind after your world has come crumbling down after losing something so precious but I try to say something nice to someone everyday. I have noticed that this not only helps the person that's complimented but it also fills my tank. I am also thankful that I don't have deafing silence at my house M takes care of that. I appreciate him and my husband more. I know through them what true love is because they gave Jeremiah and I that when we needed most. I have also began embracing God again and trusting that he makes no mistakes.

Yes, 2010 you are bittersweet- you took my beautiful little boy away but you also brought along a new me and have shown me a new path. Thank you 2010 but I look forward to a better 2011 with new beginnings. 

Happy New Year to everyone who takes the time to read my blog. I hope 2011 brings nothing but joy and peace to your family!!