Repost-Butterflies on their Way

Hi Ladies!!

For some reason the pictures were not showing up...thank you Molly and Deanna for letting me know. 

Just wanted those who ordered butterflies to know that they are on their way.

I also did not post the picture of the butterflies I sent last week.

Here is a picture of the new yellow butterfly.

Have a Happy Friday!

New Butterfly Color and Calling ALL Buttons

I wanted everyone to know that I added a new butterfly color. I have added the color yellow to the memory butterflies. I did this because I realized I left out a group of BLM, the group who had yet to know the gender of their sweet angel. Please forgive me...this was not intentional. Please feel free to request a butterfly and let me know what special name you use to remember this important baby, I will be sure to send this butterfly your way.

Also, I want to make sure that I add all the buttons to your pages or projects or organizations on my page. So if you don't see your button please comment on this post and leave your blog address so I can go and grab your button.

One more thing.....I must say thank you for all the kind words of encouragment about my post about last week. Today started off very well and I can honestly say your kind words helped.

Happy Birthdays

Happy 2nd Birthday to Angel Baby Carleigh

You can read more about her amazing mommy here.

and

Happy 1st Birthday to Angel Baby Savanna

You can read more about her wonderful mommy here

They are definately having a huge party up in heaven today complete with purple and ladybug cupcakes!! Hugs to both Holly and Tabatha. Thinking of you both.

Emotional Rollercoaster

As I mentioned in my last post- So this last week was very emotional for me. Sunday came and went very uneventful. Monday started out the same. I took M out to play and on my way home...I saw a crowd of small birds on the road in front of me. As usual, I slowed down and once I got closer all of the birds flew away. Except for one, as I got closer I thought the bird would fly away like the others but this bird didn't and the next thing I saw in my mirror was a dead bird laying on the road, I immediately went into shock and panic mode. A feeling very familiar in the last 8 months. I once again have killed another living thing in less than a year. I, like 99% of the world am guilty of killing insects but this was a completely different feeling.  I "know" Jeremiah's death is not my fault.  However, my body was trusted to carry him and it failed. Failed miserably. Everyone says to me that it's not my fault but honestly it's a feeling I can't shake AND I have this fear of carrying around another dead baby because my body might decide to fail again. That same night I had a dream that I was pregnant with twins....one was a boy and one was a little girl. The boy died inside of my body but I still had to take him to term because the little girl was alive and well. It was very strange. Maybe this is God's way of telling me that I will have a healthy child? I don't know I hope it is.

Then on Wednesday I got a phone call from a friend from High School who happened to become a midwife. She has her own practice now and after losing Jeremiah I have gotten very close to her. One reason why is because I want her to be my advocate when rainbow comes. I need someone who knows and can question the doctors etc. Anyhow...she knows about the Jeremiah's Boxes project and called to tell me that she saw one of my boxes. I immediately thought the AMEND coordinator had taken them to a sensitivity training of some sort but I was wrong. I hated being wrong. One of her patients went into early labor at 18 weeks. Her beautiful daughter was born and she was given one of the boxes. My heart broke. I was happy that a box was given to her- I was happy that Jeremiah's legacy was being kept alive but I was devastated that someone else joined the baby loss community. That her beautiful little girl has now become an angel. That she has to feel all these horrible feelings that come along with being a BLM. When starting the box project, I knew where these boxes were going my main goal was to help someone not feel so alone in this journey, I never thought I would know about it, in my mind I was happy knowing that they would sit in a closet forever. I did not prepare myself mentally for something like that and I guess that with the combination of killing the bird just made me ultra sensitive.

Now here is the last thing this week has brought me.....I take following other people's blogs seriously and before I follow someone I really want to be sure that I can offer something to this person and help them on their journey in someway...even if it's just reading their blog. I have been following some one's journey very closely since I lost Jeremiah. I took to this person's story because it was very similar to mine. This person never followed my blog at that point. When I decided to do the memory butterflies, I personally emailed this mom and offered a butterfly to her in memory of her angel. I also told this mother that she was a huge inspiration because she has since had rainbows and beat pre-eclampsia, which for me is huge! I sent her the link to my blog. She added herself as a follower but once she got her butterfly a week later she took herself off as a follower. At first I thought it might have been a system error. Maybe she deleted her blog. Then on Wednesday night I saw her commenting and posting on her blog and another blog. I started to double guess myself- was my story not good enough? are the butterflies not enough? Did I offend her in some way? Should I stop making the butterflies? I know this sounds petty...my husband says it's high school and I agree but I can't help but feel hurt that someone would do that. Plus throw in the bird killing and "knowing" someone got one of Jeremiah's boxes and it just set me off. So for all of you that read this please know- I am usually not this hypersensitive.

But even though this week has been a rough one, I can say good things have come. I guess God knew I needed someone to bring me up and I have personally gotten three separate emails starting on Wednesday about the butterflies and how much they have been appreciated. I also got a shipment of Calvin's Hats for the boxes, and Sarita, Meredith's mom sent me a beautiful scrapbook tag in memory of my bullfrog. Thank you ladies- You helped me see the sunshine in a week where all I saw was haze and fog.

Here's hoping for a week of mellowness.  Happy Sunday to all of you!

Butterfly Request Form and Button

Just wanted to let everyone know that the butterfly page now has it's own request form....no more emailing me to request. I figured this would be easier for everyone who hasn't requested one. I also fixed the memorial butterfly button so it should work now. Thank you to Melissa Laken's mommy for desiging it! Please grab it and spread the word about the butterflies.

Thank you...it has been a rough week and I plan on blogging on it soon when I come to grips with the emotions I have been feeling.

Small Miracles Blog Hop # 2

I was going to skip this blog hop this month because I really thought I covered everything in my happy list. But this morning when I heard "Hellloooooo...." on my baby monitor, I quickly realized I have a small miracle at home whom I adore and kiss on all the time. I really miss Jeremiah, I really love him, and I still don't quite understand why he is gone. However, I have to remember that all my babies are miracles. Here physically or not.

I think back four years ago when I did not think having children was ever going to be possible for me. I thought Jose and I were destined to be just "Jose and Raquel". On January 6, 2008 everything changed, I found out I was pregnant for the first time-M's pregnancy was a suprising one. When he was born in July I realized what life really meant. I always knew that I wanted my kids to be close in age so I knew a sibling was something I wanted for him. My brother and I are 8 years apart and our relationship got better after M was born, unfortunately when Jeremiah passed away he was there for the first month but I know the mention of Jeremiah makes him nervous. Last March, I found out about Jeremiah. I was happy my kids would be close. Once he died in July I realized how fragile life is....

I guess I feel like I am rambling but my point is my miracles small or big are my kids. M has been my light through this whole ordeal and the thought of my rainbow brings me hope. Jeremiah brings faith.

I saw this bible verse in M's bible after Jeremiah passed away- "I will turn your sadness to gladness."- Jeremiah 31:13     I believe it!

It's Saturday....

Happy Saturday to all!! This week has been a busy one so I am glad to settle down and find the happiness.

1- Two Days off from work to make it a 4 day weekend!! Hooray!! I got so much done yesterday- my first day off. =0)

2-Great doctors appointment this week. We are definitely closer to our little rainbow baby. Hooray for health!

3- Beautiful Sunny days....we have had two beautiful days here in Florida. I love to lay on the grass and watch the clouds go by. I will defiantly be working on this later today.

And I have saved the best for last.....

4- I delivered the 13 boxes for Jeremiah on Wednesday night. The AMEND coordinator loved them. She said they were above and beyond what she thought was going to be done. Because of this, she took one of the boxes to her meeting Thursday night at the hospital with the bereavement team. They loved the boxes and are now going to sponsor the boxes themselves. Hooray!! (As you can see Hooray is my favorite word!!) The stuff inside however, they want those things to continue to be donated by families that have experienced loss. In their words- "It's that connection where the family who has just lost their child know they are not alone." Now here is the best part...they want Jeremiah's boxes for their NICU, PICU, and their pediatric unit. So my plan of just doing it once a year will have to be erased. I am so happy!! If you would like to help please let me know.  Also if you have ideas of what I can add for the pediatric unit boxes that would be helpful. So glad my little one's memory and the memory of all our sweet angels is living on.

Happy Saturday to all!

Guilt....will you ever go away??

Yesterday it was 8 months since I got the worse news of my life and I have been thinking of how much I took Jeremiah for granted. So many signs were there from the beginning and I let them all slide.

1- I feel bad for wanting to have the pregnancy over with....I was so tired and sick all the time. I wanted it to be over.

2- I always felt so fat and ugly! I regret it. I would rather look like an old hag with a wide load sign on my butt then to have lost him.

3- I started swelling and having dizzy spells and BP problems early on...when I say early I mean 13 weeks.

4- My gut told me not to go back to the doctors office that delivered Matthew. I ALWAYS felt brushed off there and like just a number, but I decided it would be easier to stay there then to go through the whole transfer of medical records.

5- At 24 weeks, I had severe swelling on only one side of my body- the right side. I should have researched it and trusted my gut. The doctors kept saying its normal to swell in pregnancy the baby is on that side. Now after research I know better.

6- I should have questioned all the doctors answers. I didn't.

7- I shouldn't have eaten all those ham and cheese sandwiches. I literally would eat like 5 a day. That's all I wanted.

Lots of questions also loom in my mind-Was he in pain? Did he feel like we did not want him because of how miserable I felt? I guess I will never know, but the pain and guilt is ever so present today. I miss my little bullfrog. I wish I could get in a time machine and do it all over again just to have him home.

I'm sorry Jeremiah! I love and miss you!

8 Months Later...

So 8 months ago....I thought I was going to crumble but some how I am still standing. Having projects in place has helped. As I have said before I have the first set of Jeremiah's boxes ready to go by the end of this week. His first birthday will be in July and I wanted to get another set of boxes ready for the week before his "big" day. I have seen what a wonderful community this is and decided to open up the next round of box making to you. If there is something you want to send in memory of your angel to include in the boxes please send it my way. I have a list of some of the things I have put in the boxes in the Jeremiah's boxes tab so you can look through it. You can tag it yourself before you send it or I can make the tags for you. If there is something that is not on the list but you want to include it please let me know. Also, I have had some mommies ask if they can donate money, when I first started the butterflies or the boxes that did not cross my mind. However, I have set up a paypal account if you do want to donate any money, I will buy items for the boxes and then tag them in memory of your special angel. If you are wondering what the tagging looks like in either case I have added some pictures to the Jeremiah's boxes tab to show you what I did during this round of boxes.

On another note, another set of butterflies are on their way home today. Hooray!!

I also wanted to mention Franchesca at small bird studios is collecting journals in memory of her sweet Jenna. She is collecting them until the beginning of April. I am sending 4 to her in memory of Jeremiah. If you want more info, please click on her link.

Three of the journals have great inspirational quotes.

The inside cover of the journal.

http://smallbirdstudios.com/2011/01/30/calling-all-blank-journals-pretty-pretty-please-♥/

Happy Sunday to All!!

Happy List Saturday

Thank you to Aiden's mommy Natasha for starting this blog hop. I love lists so this is right up my alley.

 

Here is my happy list.

1. My beautiful family- My little man M who makes me smile and has been my light during this tragedy. His wet kisses and his funky dance moves make my day! My husband Jose who regardless of how much I drive him crazy, he is still there every step of the way.

2. Jeremiah's Boxes and Memorial Butterflies-

I have been working hard on the boxes and will be taking them to the AMEND coordinator on Friday so they can be given out to families that need them. I am so thankful to all the people who have helped with this project to keep my little man's legacy alive.

I am also happy about the butterflies. I have seen other mommies put them on their blogs and am happy to see that people are using them and appreciate them. This definitely puts a smile on my face that I can help someone have a small remembrance of their special someone.  I also have to thank Laken's wonderful mommy Melissa. She once again has shown what a great friend she is and created a button for Jeremiah's butterflies. Thank you Melissa.

3. This Frog-

I was walking through Ross yesterday and saw this frog with wings. How often do you find that?? For those that don't know we use frogs to remember Jeremiah because of that song Joy to the World- by a band from the 70's. I had to buy it and add it to the collection of all the great items we have in his memory.  

4- Great Medical care

I have found a doctors office that will be helping me with my rainbow pregnancy (eventually). They have been amazing and am hoping for a great victory with God's might to beat pre-eclampsia and bring home a happy and healthy baby.

5- Miami Heat

I am a total Miami girl- grew up in Miami, went to the University of Miami and have always been a Miami Heat fan. I can't go to any of the games because I don't live in Miami so I watch them any chance I get. The Miami Heat finally won a game on Thursday after a long loosing streak and they beat the Laker's. (Sorry Laker fans) Their win made this Miami girl very happy!!

6- Quiet PJ days

I don't have many pajama days anymore so any chance I get I will take one. Today became one but it wasn't to quiet with Matthew around but he makes them that much more meaningful. Hooray!

7- Bruno Marrs and his music

I was listening to my pandora radio account on my phone the other day and Bruno Marrs songs make me smile!

 

8- This blog and all the great women who get it!!

Thank you again Natasha!!



Some Thank You's Long Over Due

It has been a busy week but I wanted to take some time to say thank you!

First, I want to say thank you to all of you for following my story. When I first started this blog, I did it as a release of my thoughts. I never in my wildest dreams thought anyone would follow my blog and read about my precious Jeremiah or how I am learning how to hop to a new normal. So thank you for being there and helping me not feel alone in this process. You are wonderful and inspiring ladies who bring me lots of hope and strength.

I also want to thank Melissa, Laken's mother. She sent me a special bear just for Jeremiah. It is beautiful.

                                                  

She also sent me some bears to place in Jeremiah's boxes. I am so excited that she could help me with this very meaningful project. I will be dropping off all the boxes next Friday so they can be given to families at any of the three Tampa area hospitals. If you would like to sponser a Laken bear in memory of your special someone, please check out the link on the right. Melissa is amazing to work with and she totally works on this project with an amazing amount of love.

During the last couple of weeks I also received this hankerchief from Debbie from From Your Tears. She is amazing. Thank you Debbie. http://wwwforyourtears.blogspot.com/

I have also won two give aways in the last month, Hannah's mom sent me this beautiful sign. I absolutely love it! Thank you. http://hannahshonor.blogspot.com/

The next giveaway was from Savannah's mom Megan. She sent me this book. I can honestly say I have started but have yet to finish. It is a work in progress. http://fraserlifeunfolding.blogspot.com/  Thank you Megan!

(sorry for the sideway picture but neck excercises are good for your muscles =0))

                          Thank you again to all of you! Sending hugs and happy thoughts your way.



Nursery Turned Playroom

I made it on March 4th!! Hooray...thank you to those of you who were thinking and praying for me. I took the great advice of making it a day of reflection and focusing on my family. I feel like I have been pregnant for a year and have yet to be able to bring that precious baby home! I have faith that good things are on their way.

I wanted to post about Jeremiah's nursery today. I know for many of us it a reminder of a place that is empty. A place where the reminder of the stork dropping the baby unexpectedly was something so sad. While pregnant with M, my two year old, I wanted to do a Dr. Seuss theme for him. I wanted to bring an overhead home and go to town with all the great Seuss characters. Well my husband Jose wasn't on board he wanted his first son to have a sports room. Of all the things to worry about I let him do what he wanted which was really fitting because M is all about sports. He also likes books so I guess it's debatable. Anyhow, last March 4th when we found out about Jeremiah, the first thing that popped in my head was the Dr. Seuss room. I was so excited. Since Jeremiah wasn't due until October, we would start getting the room ready in June after school was over. We started in June and got this far when we got the worse news in the world....

When our world crashed....we decided we would just paint the room white again and just forget it. Then one day the door was open, something that was so rare at the time. M walked in and said "Whoa" while I was trying to shoo him out of there, he ran to his room and started grabbing toys and taking them back to the room. Then it hit me. Why get rid of a room that was done with so much love? Jose and I decided to finish it and turn it into a playroom in memory of our sweet Jeremiah. Here is the rest of the work that has been done in there. My husband wants to be the one to complete it so, I've left it for him. He is getting there but since he leaves one week a month for work and all the other house work he does it's taking longer than if I would have done it. He's hoping to be done soon. I can say I really do enjoy being in there. We bought Jeremiah a chair before we loss him and we also added the chair to his room. I sit there sometimes and hug his blanket while I watch M play.

One more thing, I finished another batch of butterflies and they will be making their way home this week. If you haven't sent me a request, please do I would love to make one for your special angel.

Have a happy week all!

March 4th Please skip my house!

Okay so I found out I was pregnant with Jeremiah a year ago on March 4th. For some reason, I am having a hard time with the idea of this day. I am not looking forward to it. It will officially be a year that Jeremiah stepped into our lives. Uhhh----I wish I could sleep that whole day and just wake up on March 5th. I hope I will make it!

On another note....the first set of butterflies were mailed on Monday so if I emailed you last week your butterfly should be headed your way sometime this week. I hope I do not disappoint anyone, they really are simple they are nothing fancy but I know having it on my refrigerator brings me happiness. I have finished another set of butterflies and will be mailing those on Saturday morning. Please keep the request coming. I would love to help remember your special someone.

I also want to take this post time to talk about Laken's Bears. Melissa is Laken's mommy. Not only is she amazing but she is working on a project to remember her tiny someone. Here is her address if you are interested.http://inmemoryoflakenandangelfriends.blogspot.com/ I will be adding her button the right side of my page. She explained to me how to do it.