New Life

Hi there!! I know I've been MIA for a really long time. Thank you for all of your prayers from my last post. There has been so much going on since I last posted. I guess I'll start with the bad. My husband and I have separated and as of two weeks ago, have officially divorced after 12 years. I can't begin to tell you how much heart-ache this process has brought me. I've been feeling rejection, worthlessness and at the beginning of this process, suicide was an option. I definitely have been grieving all over again. However, when you loose a child you know there's no way that you can fix that loss. With divorce or a separation pending you pray that you can work out the situation where the two of you can rebuild. I love Jose. I can't deny that----I never will stop loving him. We had wonderful memories no one can ever replace or take away, however, he decided that a life with me is not somthing he wanted to continue. He still has a relationship with our children, which is great. He is a good person and I wish him the best. I pray for him daily and ask Jeremiah to watch over him.

Now for the good. First off my two beautiful living children are well and healthy. M is now 4 and my rainbow V is 16 months.

My beautiful mini-me!!

M at T-Ball

I've also formed a stronger and deeper relationship with God. I've joined the women's CRHP group at my church and was asked to become the spiritual director for the next women's retreat.I have a great support system with new beautiful friends. I've found so much comfort in Him and in scripture. He has led me to a greater path of understanding and overcoming many of my fears. He also helps me build a stronger bond with my Jeremiah. "For I alone know the plans I have for you. Plans to bring you hope and a future" ---Jeremiah 29:11

I still get little hellos from heaven. This frog, my students named Hoppy, was hanging outside my classroom window. I loved it!!

Although I have become a single working mom, I now cherish the time I do have with my kids that much more.

I've also taken up Zumba. I love dancing and Zumba is a perfect fit. I've also made some great new friends along the way.

Zumba!! A basketball team that takes the class for cardio and my two zumba buddies.

I've also started doing more for me. I'm planning a trip to Europe this upcoming summer and have been doing things on my bucket list like going to an NBA Finals game, paintball,etc. As a mom and a wife I lost myself in my roles. I know it sounds weird but I'm slowly remembering who I really am. I'm a strong, beautiful woman.

NBA Finals....GO HEAT!

Finally, I have realized how strong my prior friendship are as well as my relationship with my family. My mom has been so amazing and supportive. I love my best friends and my family.

My Best friend Lydia

My mom

My other BFF...Meighan

With all that being put out there... I will be catching up on some blog reading to see how everyone is doing. If you are waiting for a butterfly, please know I will do my best to get them sent your way. God bless you all :)

Prayer Request

Hi lovely ladies, I need your help. I have hit a crossroad in my life and without getting specific I need your help of prayer. In the next two weeks a really hard and rough decision is going to be made concerning my family. A decision that is out of my hands but so important to my life. I hope you pray that the decision that is being made is one that is done with an open heart and mind. I also hope you pray that the peace of God will surround my family during these two weeks and beyond.

Thank you ladies!

Still Here...

This is just a quick post....but I am still here. Life as a "single" mom is crazy and it has made me realize how much my husband helped. Plus my herniated disc has been acting up again and that is no fun, I just pray it doesn't get worse. My husband was here last weekend but I barely had anytime with him. I went to a CRHP retreat with my church. It was definitely really needed and I got to share Jeremiah's story with a group of 50 wonderful woman. I really needed the spiritual uplift and also it helped me renew my faith in God as well as remember how wonderful and wanted he is in my life and the life of my family. I have been trying to catch up with every ones posts over the last month and have tried to comment where I can but now I hear a sweet little 6 month old talking in the other room...so I must go and play.

Hugs to you all and please know that I think of your angels everyday!

Update and Baby Sabrowske

Hi everyone! I know I have been just hopping on here every now and then but I have been going through a lot lately. I just recently moved to a new house, my husband has gotten a new contract with his job in Washington State and I chose to stay behind in Florida with  my two living little peeps. One of the main reasons I decided to stay is because since it is a temp. job he will be back and secondly leaving Jeremiah was to much to bear at least for right now. My "old" house is now being rented and I have moved into my moms rental home. It is so much smaller, doesn't have a pool to maintain or any other huge jobs my hubby normally takes care of....adjusting to being a "single" mom is huge but luckily I have close friends who are helping and family that is coming to visit often. My husband is also coming back twice a month to visit us so that helps. :) I do miss him and hope that this break brings us closer together. So that sums up my life as it is right now- VERY different but thankful God has given me the opportunity to grow in a new way.

I also wanted to share a little but about a new project a fellow BLM mommy Rhonda has started. She has such a touching story and started this project in memory of both her fiance and her baby. Here is a small snippet of what she sent me

"I have only just begun to confront my miscarriage (1st pregnancy lost at 8 weeks gestation) in March because I'm still grieving the suicide of my fiancé from January. Steven never even had the joy of knowing this news because I found out after he passed! "

Check out her project and show her some love.

Hugs to all!

Annabella

A fellow AMEND mommy from my community decided to start blogging in memory of her sweet Annabella. Pam is such a wonderful human being and as we all know loosing a baby is horrific...please go over to her blog and read Annabella's story. I know she would love the support.

Hugs to you all!

Just a Hello!

Hi There!! I want to say thank you to all the wonderful mommies who sent cards and remembered my sweet Jeremiah this holiday season. I also received some beautiful ornaments and frogs in memory of my little bullfrog. I will post pictures soon. I do have one picture that Shauna - Hope and Janessa's mommy Shauna sent my way. Thank you Shauna. The Christmas butterfly is absolutely beautiful.

 

I love how Shauna always goes above and beyond to remember not only her angels but my Jmiah and all the sweet angels out there. Shauna you are amazing! I hope everyone had a great Christmas and a great New Year! Hugs!

And the Winner is...

Briana!! Thank you to all of you for entering. Briana please email me at jeremiahsboxes@gmail.com with your address so I can get the book on it's way to you. Hugs to all of you.

25 Days of Giveaways!!

Today is my turn to host a giveaway!!! Hooray!!Let me first thank Tina over at Living without Sofia and Ellie for allowing me to participate in this years giveaways. 

 I am sorry that I posted this late in the day...but here it is- I have given this book away before but think it is so worthy of giving it away again. The book is written in such a great way that it helps the reader know that you are not alone on this terrible journey.

To enter just comment on how you remember your precious baby.

I feel like every experience we face as people can only make us better. After the loss of Jeremiah I have started Jeremiah's boxes to keep his memory alive and help other families that have faced loss. I also make memory butterflies for other families. As a mom to my living kids, it makes me realize how lucky I am that they are here and healthy and that I must practice patience (which is sometimes hard).

I will close the giveaway on  Friday at 8pm. Good Luck!!!

Bad Place

Let me start with the happy part of this post. I will be hosting a giveaway on Dec 21st as part of the 25 days of give aways. Hooray!!

Now for the not so good- I'm in a really bad place right now. I am not talking physically but emotionally. I seem to have forgotten who I am. I look in the mirror and I wonder where that person I use to know so well has gone. I am taking some time in the next few months to re-evaluate where I am going as a person and what parts of me I need to find and which I need to purge. Part of my "brokeness" does stem from Jeremiah's loss but the rest of it goes deeper. I hope and pray I can find happiness again. Hugs to all.......

A Turkey for my Turkey

***This post is older. My computer has been broken and I was just able to finish it.

 I am thinking that retailers here in my area have forgotten that there is a holiday in between Halloween and Christmas. It's called Thanksgiving. I have been trying unsuccessfully, for the last 3 weeks to find a turkey for my little turkey's special space. This was frustrating me quite a bit. I decided that since Thanksgiving is around the corner and I may not find a turkey in time I would pull out my November teacher tub and see if I had one in there that I could take to him. (I keep all of my school decorations, worksheets, projects, books for each month or theme in a tub-It was an obsession at one point to have it all together and organized). I pulled out the tub that I had not opened since Dec. 2007, with hopes of finding a turkey well I found more than I ever thought I would. In Nov of 2007 I made turkey shirts with my kindergartners for our friendship feast. As I opened the tub, I noticed that one of my little ones did not take their shirt with them after the feast. I opened up the shirt and saw the cute little hand print in the front. I looked to see whose shirt it belonged to and to my surprise it said

"Jeremiah". My heart dropped with a sense of both sadness and happiness. About ten minutes later I went to the mailbox and found these.

Needless to say I felt some happiness in my heart. I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving with some peace in their heart.

Poem Help

Hi ladies! I need some help...I want to make the memory butterflies better. One way I was thinking about was to give mommies an option on which poem they would like to go with their butterflies. I know I could have just googled butterfly poems but I wanted to know which poems have really touched you on this journey, especially ones that mention butterflies. Please email me at jeremiahsboxes@gmail.com or comment with the poem below. Thank you so much for your help.

I also want to have a giveaway soon but I'm waiting for the 60th follower to host that so if your interested...keep an eye out!

Hugs!

Perspective

So I belong to my local AMEND group here in Tampa. Now this group has a facebook page where BLM post questions or articles and such. One of the mommies who lost their sweet little girl last September asked a question- Here it is:

My daughter passed away over a year ago, and I have pictures of her on the walls, My stepson is 3 and his pictures are all over the house I think its only fair to also my daughter on the wall, and put her box from the hospital out by my desk in the living room. Am I wrong?

Mostly people responded telling her that she needs to do what is best for her, but this response made me read it more than twice.

Hi everyone! I wanted to share a different perspective on this issue. I'm sharing all of this with you because I hope to spare you the pain of losing more friends in this process. Just as we don't want them to judge us for how we handle our pain & memories. we must also not judge THEM because they can't deal. I love your quote Raquel but unfortunately it's very true. Most can NOT deal with the heaviness of grief that have and are walking through. We have to. We weren't given a choice. Life happened. But they don't have to, they can choose to distance themselves. After almost 6 years we are grieved by all the friends who "fell away" because they couldn't deal. I wish looking back that I would have saved the majority of my grieving process for AMEND & the friends I made there. Unfortunately I was ignorant & shared openly with all of our "normal" friends & family & when we weren't "better" after the first 2-3 mo that people allow for grieving, they began to drift away. I miss all of them so much because they have memories of our baby & my pregnancy in their hearts that I won't ever have access to because I was ignorant in my grief process. That is why I share. You might not want to lose your babies & your friends too. Our baby ___  picture is hanging in our stairway so that people who come to visit now only see her if they go upstairs & if they want to. Just weigh the cost & hopefully learn from our grief process how NOT to lose your friends too. ♥

So it's okay to spare your feelings to save your friends?? This advice bothered me some....I know everyone grieves differently but what's wrong with grieving openly??

Decision Made and Some Thank you's!

Hi!! I am happy to say I made my decision on whether or not to go private or not. This month marks a year of when I first decided to start blogging about my experience. I was inspired by all the other strong women before me, I never thought I would have followers. Reading all of your comments and as well as seeing a new follower helped me decide to stay public. It fills my heart to know that someone is reading about Jeremiah's short life. Hooray!! The only thing I am going to change is that I will take down the Jellybean Chronicles and the pictures of my living kids. I do plan on mentioning Jeremiah's siblings but will not add any more pictures of them for their safety. I do have pictures of them on facebook and I do have a couple of you as friends, if you would like to be added just send me a friend request and let me know your a fellow BLM.

Before I let out all of the feelings that have bottled up inside I want to let some wonderful women know how thankful I am to them....first Sarita Meredith's mom sent me some very cute stickers out of the blue. It was great to get them in the mail. Thank you Sarita. Caroline from the Croley Gang sent me Jeremiah's name stitched but she went above and beyond and sent me a stitch of V's name with rainbow hearts. Absolutely beautiful! Thank you Caroline.

Alessa's grandmother from Treasures from the Heart made Jeremiah's names in beads....Thank you so much!

Tonight I went to visit Jeremiah's spot after going to the air show with the little ones and my husband. It is always sad to see that a new baby has joined babyland. I miss him dearly, even 15 months later my heart hurts to know he is gone. I struggle daily trying to figure out why this happened. Most of the time I can turn it off because I get busy with the babies but today even though I had a great time with my husband and kids it hurt. It hurt because I know at this point he's suppose to be walking, saying some words, laughing, waving etc. but he's not here! The guilt also sucks! All the things I could have done differently...I play them over and over again in my head. People don't realize the pain, I sometimes feel like I have to wear a mask to make them feel comfortable and it stinks. I miss you Jeremiah!

Go Private??

Thank you for all your comments. I love reading them.....I am happy to say Baby V is still doing great and my kitchen is finished we went from corrian counter tops to granite. It looks beautiful!! 

I've been contemplating going private with my blog these last couple of weeks. One main reason I want to is because I have pictures of my babies on this blog and that really scares me- that someone will take their pictures and use them as their own. The main reason why I do not want to is because I know when I first lost Jeremiah reading other BLM blogs helped me realize that I was not alone and that everything I was feeling was normal- even if in my mind I felt like I was being irrational reading others blogs gave me comfort. Eventually all of this reading compelled me to begin blogging myself. Also, reading other BLM blogs who went on to have a rainbow baby also gave me hope, that I too can one day have my rainbow. So the decision of going private is very difficult. I think in the next couple of weeks I will make my decision...this is Jeremiah's place and his siblings are part of his story so just not talking about them or including them would not be fair to Jeremiah's story after all this is my life after Jeremiah. =0)

Speaking of my special little man I totally miss him. It's been very difficult for me because I am not able to make it to his special area as much as I would like to...it makes me sad that we are almost at the end of October and I have not been able to bring his fall/Halloween decorations over to him. =0( You would think since I am not working I would have more time but I feel like I had more time for EVERYTHING when I was working. Weird but true. I must make time this week to go...it's just so hard with workers coming in and out of my house and going with my 3 year old who chases butterflies all over baby land- even though it's cute because I feel like he is chasing after his brother it is distracting and not to mention disrespectful. So I promise you Jeremiah- I will get to your special spot this week. I love you little bullfrog!!!!

September

I feel like such a bad friend to all of you lately. I have been MIA but please know I think of all your babies all the time. I have been catching up with my blog reading and want to say congratulations to all the mommies for all the new rainbows on their way. Totally praying for you and your babies.

September was a crazy month. It all started on Labor Day. We took a trip to Orlando and when we got back Sunday night our kitchen was flooded with water. Our faucet burst and water leaked EVERY WHERE!! It has been crazy with two small babies, having no sink, eating out, and having a mess all over my house because my counters and cabinets were gone. Then a week later baby V had a very high fever, I took her to our pediatrician and she had a bacterial infection and had to be hospitalized and have surgery. It was scary to see my two month old baby in that state. All I could do was pray as I watched the nurses poke her and the surgeon mark on her skin so they could drain the MRZA that was growing in her. I am so glad that my prayers were answered and she recovered well. I didn't want to lose her too. Two days later, I lost a very close friend. I have been working on dealing with all the emotions and feelings about that. Then to close out the crazy month my 30th birthday made its way here. It was so much better than last year. Last year on my birthday, I sat in front of my son's grave holding his older brother in my lap. I just cried and cried. This year was better but someone was still missing. So here we are October 13th and my kitchen is still not finished, baby V is doing great, I miss my friend, and I am now 30. Crazy huh?

Hugs to all!

14 Months Later

So today marks 14 months since I loss my little Jeremiah. I think of him every day, many think that because baby V is in our lives that Jeremiah has been forgotten. I say NEVER! He is mine, mine forever. He is always on my mind. Jeremiah's boxes will still be donated yearly and I have still been making butterflies for families who have loss a precious child. With that being said as a family we took a trip to Disney world and while walking back to the car I started to think about him and how much fun it would have been to have 3 little people to enjoy this day with but we only had two...not even 2 minutes later I saw this....another sign he is always close.

 With that being said since baby V has entered our lives the blow of Jeremiah's loss has been softened. Don't get me wrong she does not replace him in any way but her arrival has brought back some type of happiness and has also brought hope. It has been 2 months since she arrived and she is the sweetest little baby. She has started smiling and cooing and at times it looks like she is cooing at Jeremiah because she will start smiling and cooing at just a random space with nothing there. I definitely think that he is watching over her and who knows maybe she can see him.

I can't believe 14 months have gone by so quickly....I love you Jeremiah!

Facebook???

Ahh... Facebook!! I have a love hate relationship with this social networking site. It is such a wonderful way to stay in touch with friends and family. However, it can bring out certain emotions especially as a BLM. When I first loss Jeremiah, I deactivated my account. It was so frustrating and infuriating to hear pregnancy updates as well as newborn baby pictures. After a few months in November 2010, I reactivated it mainly because I wanted to keep in touch with certain people. However in January I deactivated it again. I recently activated it again shortly before Jeremiah's angel day in July. Mainly because I wanted people to remember him on his special day. I also kept it open to announce Baby V's arrival. After deleting half of my friends list, (Mainly people who I really just had on my friends list because I knew them) it has been active since. Well yesterday I remembered why I had deactivated it for such a long period of time. My husband's stepbrothers wife is currently pregnant with baby #3. She was very neglectful with her first 2 pregnancies and there were rumors that she had been smoking with baby 2. These two little ones are now 5 and 6. At that time, I was irritated with her because I would give anything to be in her position, I had a really hard time getting pregnant with my first child and could not believe that she took that for granted. I am not a perfect mom, but I don't care if I look like a hot mess but my house and kids look in order. And up until V's birth I worked full time. (I have taken the school year off to stay home with my two munchkins...) Her house is always a mess, her kids are always dirty and she does not work. Now here is her husbands post from yesterday-----

This was smoked by my wife in about a little over a month. Note that she has known she's pregnant for 3 months.

Really?????? I did everything I could to keep Jeremiah alive. I took the medicines doctors told me to, I did every test they made me run. I took my prenatals every day, made sure I ate healthy foods, etc. Never once did I do anything knowingly to harm him but yet he's gone!! Gone forever and this chick is sitting here knowingly putting these toxins in her body. Really??? I did not comment on his post. It took everything in me not to...mainly because my husband told me not to get involved and he is right. But it is still infuriating- all I can do is pray that- that little one in her body gets here safely. I also sit here wondering if I should deactivate my account again.  Mainly because posts like this send me back to that angry place- a place where I fall back into grief. They are horrible triggers. I guess that is life---full of triggers from Styrofoam coolers to little flags in the ground they all trigger that same sadness all over again. The constant reminder that someone so important is missing.

I love you Jeremiah!!!

Dreams

While pregnant with Jeremiah I had a couple of dreams where I dreamt I had a baby and of course M was in the dream too, he doted on his sibling and played around them. M helped with and asked questions about the baby. The only problem- The baby was a girl. I was pregnant with a boy. After I loss him I had another weird dream where I had a six month old daughter and Matthew. Yet I wasn't pregnant at that point nor did I know if I would have another.  I found that dream strange as well. Then I had this dream about Jeremiah...but he wasn't in it. While pregnant with V--- I had another dream where I was pregnant with twins, one was a boy who passed away at 28 weeks (that's when we loss Jeremiah) and the other baby was a girl but since she was still healthy I had to carry her to term, she was born at 37 weeks (which is when V was born.) Two nights ago I had this dream where my two earth babies were playing and Jeremiah's name kept being said, however no image of Jeremiah. Now that V is here and things happened the way they did with her pregnancy many of these dreams make sense. Although I have heard about the power of dreams I ever really put much thought into them until just recently when V was born. There is one dream I wish I could have- one of Jeremiah- his image and his life in heaven. That is one I would love to have-I wonder if I ever will.....

I would love to hear about your dreams of your baby after your loss or while pregnant with your babies. I think there is something to them.

Hugs to you all!

The Alternative

Before I start my post I want to ask that you keep Dana- Jacob's mommy in your thoughts as she is still pregnant with her rainbow but things are not looking so great. Also, I met Whitney last October at the AMEND support group. She lost her daughter Emma last February to a rare form of dwarfism. She was told by doctors about her daughters condition at 12 weeks but chose to carry Emma to term. She got married this March and has now moved to Australia. She found out 2 or 3 months ago she was expecting her rainbow and I found out this morning that she has lost her little rainbow at 12 weeks. Please also keep her in your thoughts.

This post may be offensive but please know this is not the intention. It really is just to get my thoughts out about the alternative that could have been.

I have a friend who had her son Joshua at 24 weeks. He was due in April 2009 and was born in Dec 2008. He was born at 1 pound 2 ounces and was 12 inches long. My friend L was on bed rest in the hospital starting at 21 weeks because they found that her cervix had been open for a while and the baby was in danger, she had missed some of her pre-natal appointments so that doctor did not want to take any chances. She was in the hospital for 4 weeks on bedrest. During this time, I was home on maternity leave with M so I spoke to her on a daily basis. I wasn't able to visit her because I had a 4 month old at home that I did not want to take to the hospital- mainly because I did not think it was the best place for him. I never will forget that Sunday morning at 7 am when I got the call from my other friend V to tell me that Baby Joshua had been born in such a fragile state. I remember feeling numb and just praying over and over for her and the baby.I remember feeling enraged when my friend told me that the doctor asked L if she wanted them to try to save Joshua or just let him go. I remember thinking that it would be a long road for her to take the baby home from the NICU. Never once do I remember thinking she would lose the baby.I thought the NICU would surely save him. In the months that followed Joshua had lots of problems with his heart, lungs, brain, intestines. Every time I would speak to her my heart would drop because it felt like something was always "wrong". I finally got a chance to get to the hospital to visit Josh and his proud parents in March. At this point, he was weighing 3 pounds and was still on some machines as well as having his brain drained twice a day. I remember thinking how small he was and what a fighter he was. Baby Joshua went home in April and life really changed for L and her husband. She stopped working as a second grade teacher once she was put on bedrest and her husband works a minimum wage job. Joshua had weekly appointments to all types of specialists, therapists, etc. Before leaving the hospital Joshua had a shunt put in to his head to help with the leaking in his brain and my friend L was told that there was a possibility that he would have cerebral palsy. She took the rest of the school year and summer to stay with Joshua. She went back to work in the fall of  2009. I met with her a couple of times that school year for dinner along with my other friend V. In July of 2010 we met again for the summer. I was pregnant with Jeremiah and had a very active almost 2 year old. L was there with Joshua. Joshua who was now a year and 1/2 old was still needing to be carried by his mom. He had no movement in his legs only in his arms, was non verbal, and was still drinking in a bottle because he could not have solid foods yet. I remember looking at him and it brought sadness to my heart. I too had a one year old who was about to turn 2 who was talking and running around. I wondered if seeing M brought her sadness that her son who was almost the same age could not do any of the same things. Even with his adjusted age that most babies born early have he was still behind with his milestones. Little did I know that a couple days later I would be giving birth to a little boy with no heartbeat, a little boy whom just like my friend L had for Josh, I had hopes and dreams for. After he was born of course I thought about Joshua. Would I have wanted the same life for my Jeremiah? A life where he would have to be taken care of by someone for the rest of his life. A life where he would be analyzed by doctor after doctor. Would that have been looked at as selfish?? Last week, I heard that L had to take another school year off to take care of Joshua. His condition has not gotten any better and as he is getting bigger needs more support. Hearing about this made me think back about my immediate feelings about Jeremiah (possible alternative). Would I have had the strength that my friend has shown day after day in the care of Joshua? How would have M dealt with the situation? How would my life had changed? Would baby V be in the picture right now? Obviously the thoughts still linger in my mind but only one thing is a fact- I never had the choice to experience the alternative...I experienced the worst case scenario.

Worry Wart

I have been having a hard day today. Worry occupies my mind. I totally miss Jeremiah but am also hating the fact that I have to be so such a different mom this time around. When M was born I worried, but this time it is different I worry with V so much. I know the reality of losing a baby and the thought of it happening again gives me nausea. I take nothing for granted with her. I give her and M extra kisses, I make sure that I tell them I love them. I check on both of them continuously. I guess the hard part about the whole situation is I also don't want to be a helicopter parent and hover over them without giving them a chance to explore the world on their own. It is such a fine line it's hard not to cross it but also be cautious and guard them.

I read this on another BLM blog today and it did make me feel better.....

"This is the beginning of a new day.  You have been given this day to use as you will.  You can waste it or use it for good.  What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind...let it be something good."

-Author Unknown