5 Months Later

Monday the 13th was the 5 month mark of when we lost our precious angel. Everyone who has experienced this horrible tragedy says that the holidays are very difficult. Up to this point I have not felt it. I guess since I have M I can't put Christmas on hold so I had to put up the tree and have to read the Christmas stories and decorate the house. We had M decorate his own ornament as always. We got some ornaments for Jeremiah and got him his own stocking to hang in the house. I also got Jeremiah his own little tree and Santa to decorate his site. But today was different....I felt this stabbing pain in my heart when we went to check on him today. I mean I miss him everyday but for that moment it was unbearable I couldn't help it the tears just came pouring out. He definitely is missed this Christmas.

Here is his tree, Santa, candy cane, and little holly drum. Someone left a stocking for him. I have no idea who....Thank you to whom ever it was. I'm not even sure that they left it for him. It could be another baby's and was placed there by accident. Either way it brought a smile to my face that someone would leave something for him.

Dreaming??

I feel that since July, I have been in this weird dream. I finally want to wake up from this horrible nightmare that at moments has good parts. I am not sure that this make sense to others but what I mean is that in this nightmare there have been a couple of good parts that I truly cherish, like my little one M. He makes me realize how lucky I am to have him but at the same time in this weird dream I completely miss my little frog Jeremiah.

I decorated Jeremiah's site today. I put a Christmas tree up for him with a Dr. Seuss theme. I also put a Santa and a foam candy cane on his marker. Pictures to come.

I really miss Jeremiah. I have a feeling something great is on it's way and I know he will be protecting our family every step of the way.

Little Reminders that he's Ok

I am really enjoying the fact that I am home with M this week. I was suppose to be on maternity leave right now so being home like this is bittersweet. I love the fact I get to wake up with him and feed him breakfast, walk him around the block on his tricycle, and just hang out. At the same time this nagging feeling that someone is missing breaks my heart.

I took M out to the playground in our backyard. We bought it a couple of months after we found out we were pregnant with Jeremiah for the boys to play. I took M up the tree house stairs and sat up there with him while he played and jumped. I looked over to notice this little frog near the slide, just hanging out. I could see his chest rising and falling as he breathed. Since Jeremiah passed, there has been this frog that hangs out near our pool deck. When Jose takes M to the pool, the frog jumps in and swims with them. The frog also hangs out near M's little basketball goal. Call me crazy but I take it as a sign from Jeremiah-our little bullfrog- that he's okay and is with us.

I'd rather have these reminders then nothing at all. I love you Jeremiah!

Jeremiah's Due Date

October 4th was Jeremiah's due date. I decided to do something special for him that day. I invited a couple of close friends to a balloon release in his memory. Here are the pictures of that day.

Normal

I posted the other day on my facebook account that I was learning to live in a new normal. I also named this site hopping to a new normal...Normal?? I have this new fascination with this word. I know I had a "normal" before M. This included waking up M-F going to work staying til 5 or 6 then coming home to cook and work on some new classroom project for my class. Then I got pregnant. My norm included baby shopping and getting in as many naps as possible. Then with M, work quickly took a back seat and I was out the door by 3:45 to play with my baby and enjoy my husband and home. My pregnancy with Jeremiah kept the norm the same as when we had M but now after losing Jeremiah nothing seems right.

When I say this I mean that why are my ordinary normal days including crying, visiting a cemetery, regret, guilt, anger, and yearning? How do all of these emotions and actions constitute normal?

I saw this poem on another BLM's blog and thought it was fitting.

What is "Normal"?

Author Unknown

• Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

• Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.

• Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

• Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.
• Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

• Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

• Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

• Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

• Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

• Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

• Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and her birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

• Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how she would love it, but how she is not here to enjoy it.Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

• Normal is making sure that others remember her.Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

• Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

• Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

• Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

• Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

• Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

• Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

• Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

• Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

• Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

• Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

• Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

• Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

• Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

• Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

• Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

• And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

Random Feelings on a Saturday

I am a huge browser- I look at other peoples blogs and found this website called Faces of loss, Faces of Hope. They have a journal prompt for this month.

Here it is-It’s easy to focus on all the negative things that come from losing a baby, but have you discovered any ‘blessings in disguise’ throughout your journey? What can you find to be thankful for related to your loss?

Thinking about this I can honestly list all the of the horrible things that have come from this experience:

1. Not being able to see or hold the little angel I held snugly in my belly for 28 weeks.
2. Not being able to see him grow
3. Not being able to hear him laugh or hear his cry
4. Having my 2 year old know what a cemetery is. I never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that!

I can go on and on focused on  the negative things that this journey has brought me but when I really think about it, it has really taught me to focus on the positives:

1. My wonderful two year old M. Every smile, laugh, and even the down right tantrums on the floor are music to my ears.
2. The opportunity to be pregnant with Jeremiah. I think about before I got pregnant with the two of them, my husband Jose and I tried for years and even went to a fertility specialist and could not get pregnant. It felt so wrong that my body- a female body that was made to hold another life as a natural part of nature was not able to do it. Just the opportunity to be pregnant and feel his movements and his little body was a pleasure.
3. Jeremiah's memory and love. Just knowing that I have a little angel that is watching over me and sending me signs with nature is a blessing. How many people can actually say they have an angel or better yet were able to hold one in their arms?
4. New Friendships from this experience. Not only have I found my true friends- the ones who have stuck with me through this experience not worried about how awkward they felt and not knowing what to say they truly were there for me when all I needed was a shoulder to cry on and someone to say I love you! I have also found new friends through my local support group and even on line reading others experiences and strengths. It has been great!
5. My connection with my family.

It is very easy to focus on the negative side of losing a baby. It is only normal to do so. The "Why me?" feeling is so horrible. I wish I had him here right now. I wish I could rewind this experience to 3 weeks before he was born so that I wouldn't have to feel this pain, but I can't change it. What I can do is look at the positives and be okay with that when my mood allows me to. I miss you Jeremiah!

Good Bye Frogs

I went to visit Jeremiah today as I normally do. When I got there I noticed several things thrown about, I started picking up the other babies items and placing them on their markers. Once I started walking back to Jeremiah's marker I noticed his frogs were missing. (We call Jeremiah our little bullfrog from that song Joy to the world) The first thing I did was walk over to the toy box in babyland to look for them, then I looked in the garbage can and nope they were not there. I was furious when I finally realized why everything was thrown about and looked around to notice other things missing. Someone went through babyland and helped themselves to the things that belonged to helpless little babies that no longer walk this earth. Furious does not begin to describe how I felt tears came down my eyes and all I could say to Jeremiah's marker was I'm sorry someone took your frogs baby...the next thing that came to mind was that I wasnt able to protect his area. As his mom I should of been able to do that and it angers me that I wasn't there to protect him or his belongings. Jeremiah doesn't have many things and someone taking them just infuriates me. Then I spoke to a friend who asked me "would you be upset if he would have said mommy I shared my frogs with someone who needed them more than I do." I thought about that and realized  if Jeremiah were to say that I would be proud of him. I always teach my kindergarten and first grade students about sharing and also am trying to instill the value of that into M. I always say sharing is caring. I guess my friend helped me see it in a new light. I thank them for this.....however it still ticks me off that someone would do that but am thankful to know that my little bullfrog would have shared his frogs like his mommy teaches others to do. I love you Jeremiah and mommy promises to be there to protect you!