Random Feelings on a Saturday

I am a huge browser- I look at other peoples blogs and found this website called Faces of loss, Faces of Hope. They have a journal prompt for this month.

Here it is-It’s easy to focus on all the negative things that come from losing a baby, but have you discovered any ‘blessings in disguise’ throughout your journey? What can you find to be thankful for related to your loss?

Thinking about this I can honestly list all the of the horrible things that have come from this experience:

1. Not being able to see or hold the little angel I held snugly in my belly for 28 weeks.
2. Not being able to see him grow
3. Not being able to hear him laugh or hear his cry
4. Having my 2 year old know what a cemetery is. I never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that!

I can go on and on focused on  the negative things that this journey has brought me but when I really think about it, it has really taught me to focus on the positives:

1. My wonderful two year old M. Every smile, laugh, and even the down right tantrums on the floor are music to my ears.
2. The opportunity to be pregnant with Jeremiah. I think about before I got pregnant with the two of them, my husband Jose and I tried for years and even went to a fertility specialist and could not get pregnant. It felt so wrong that my body- a female body that was made to hold another life as a natural part of nature was not able to do it. Just the opportunity to be pregnant and feel his movements and his little body was a pleasure.
3. Jeremiah's memory and love. Just knowing that I have a little angel that is watching over me and sending me signs with nature is a blessing. How many people can actually say they have an angel or better yet were able to hold one in their arms?
4. New Friendships from this experience. Not only have I found my true friends- the ones who have stuck with me through this experience not worried about how awkward they felt and not knowing what to say they truly were there for me when all I needed was a shoulder to cry on and someone to say I love you! I have also found new friends through my local support group and even on line reading others experiences and strengths. It has been great!
5. My connection with my family.

It is very easy to focus on the negative side of losing a baby. It is only normal to do so. The "Why me?" feeling is so horrible. I wish I had him here right now. I wish I could rewind this experience to 3 weeks before he was born so that I wouldn't have to feel this pain, but I can't change it. What I can do is look at the positives and be okay with that when my mood allows me to. I miss you Jeremiah!