Reflections of a Rainbow

Sorry for the lack of posting. I have been so busy with preparing for the end of the school year, registering m for pre-school, and the stress of Mother's Day. I've also been planning for the next round of boxes donations, as well as the upcoming birthdays in my house-My husband and kids are all in June and July.

Well as you can see from the title-this post is about a rainbow baby but that rainbow baby is me! Yes, I haven't shared this before but I am my mom's rainbow. My mom had two boys, my brother David and my brother Mariano. When David was 5 and Mariano was 3, she was told that Mariano needed to have a simple surgery to fix something in his neck and tonsils that were getting worse. Unfortunately, the simple surgery did not go well and my brother Mariano, did not make it. He passed away in April of 1980. I was born in September of 1981. The whole time my mom thought I was a boy and that day in September she got a huge surprise!

I have always known about him. My moms house has always had pictures of him, and she is very open to talking about him. I've never felt like a replacement child. My mom never allowed it. If anything she has always made sure she knew I was always wanted. My brother David, would always tell me I was adopted ofcourse I would cry so she would always step in and reassure me that I was exactly whom she needed and wanted. Needless to say, my brother also loves me dearly and is very protective of me. I remember as a 4 and 5 year old that Mariano was my imaginary friend. I've always wanted to meet him and I would always talk to him and felt he was my angel watching over me. After everything that has happened with Jeremiah, I know he has welcomed his nephew with open arms and is taking care of him. Now I feel like I have another angel up there watching over my family.

You might be asking where did this all come from? Well I was at a training yesterday and had to write a book "All About Me." When I got to the section in my book where I talked about growing up I realized that I had only mentioned David as my brother-no mention of Mariano. Then it got me thinking- when people would ask about my siblings I would always mention David- only very close friends know about Mariano. I started to wonder, is he disappointed? It gets me thinking about Jeremiah too. Will his siblings remember him? Will they leave him out? I know I will try to be like my mom and teach my rainbow and M about their brother Jeremiah and his legacy. I know M knows about him and talks about him every now and then. Every time he sees a sonogram picture- he says "Jmmamh". When he looks at my tattoo of Jeremiah's foot he touches it and says his name as well.

Funny how certain situations take you to places you never think of....Missing my bullfrog and my brother today!

Have a happy Tuesday!

Death on my Mind

I do have a happy list this week but I think I am going to put this weeks list and nexts together. I am not feeling in a happy mood, I am feeling a little morbid with the topic on my mind.

It is 4 am in my neck of the woods and one thing is on my mind- death. Why?? I think it stems from my walk down the Walmart aisles yesterday afternoon. As I was walking down the aisles I noticed a display of small Styrofoam coolers. Those coolers sent chills down my body. (I am going to be brutally honest in this post so if I offend anyone- I apologize ahead of time) 

When we loss Jeremiah we heard at the hospital that some of the funeral homes would bury your baby for free. Jose and I wondered why but were happy that was an option. When we got to the funeral home we were shown and explained all of the options available for an infant with pictures. We had yet to see the "free" option. A while later we were taken to the back and shown the different options on caskets. When we walked in the first thing that caught my eye was a Styrofoam cooler with like a plastic type lining in the inside. The funeral director walked us over to the cooler. At first I was confused, the next words out of her mouth were "Here is the first option." What??? It's a Styrofoam cooler!!! Really?!? I asked how much- just out of curiosity because I knew in my mind there was no way he was going to be in a cooler with plastic for eternity. She then went on and said that the " cooler" was complimentary. Chills went up and down my spine. Yuck! We then were shown the other two options. The second one, I was happy with (can't believe I just used that word in this whole scenario) it was a small thick plastic like coffin. The other was too big for Jeremiah. We went with option 2- we did not care how much it cost, we wanted to make sure it was something that would be okay for him. We also were shown urns and that option. My thinking behind not getting him cremated was that I hate the idea of being burned and heat. I did not want him in pain. I also liked the idea of his body being surrounded by other babies in babyland. Sometimes I do wish I had him at home. I do wish we would have had him cremated- but would that have been a better choice?

There are certain times when I visit babyland and wonder just how many babies are in coolers?? I know when I go there are plenty of plots with no marker or any indication that, that spot is someones resting place. I know those families cannot afford more so did they take the "complimentary" option?? I can't say I can blame them, planing a funeral for a baby isn't normal nor is it something many understand. Since Jeremiah has been at babyland 10 other babies have been laid to rest. Each time I see the flags I get chills and an overall sense of sadness. Out of those babies only 4 of them have markers. It's so sad.

Now that I have explained the "complimentary" option, you can see why seeing the cooler display made tears come down my face and hours later am still hating the thought of them. The things we know as baby loss parents, make us different. Loosing a child makes us see things differently, it changes our souls, minds, and spirits. I can't say I like it, I can't say it hasn't made me grown, but I can say it makes me appreciate life and legacies more than ever before. I wish I never would have had to go through this experience but it is what it is and I have to learn to overcome and become better at some point. I am scared of my own death. This topic definately takes me to that place. I haven't had a real experience with death. I have heard of it happening to others but it never has made me go through the stages of grief- why? No one who had died was close. My first official death experience was with Jeremiah. I am one of "those" people bad things happend to....

Sorry this post is so random but it's how my mind is working right now. Especially with such a morbid topic.

I miss my Jeremiah. I wish I could hug him and kiss his little face!

Butterflies on their Way

A new set of butterflies are on their way.

Click on the picture for a clearer view.
Hope everyone is having a great week!

Jeremiah's Boxes now has it's own Blog

Hi- I just wanted to let everyone know that I created a new blog for Jeremiah's Boxes. The project has really taken off and I am currently working on making it a non-profit organization. Please hop on over there and read more! Hugs to all!

Very Late but it's my Happy List #7

It has been an amazingly busy weekend. Happy Easter to all!! I am late with this list but wanted to share.

Here is my new happy list...

1. Morning Jam Sessions with this Cutie! He may not know the words but he sings along with me in the car in the morning. When the song is over he says- "Again Mommy"

2- Jeremiah's Easter decor- I pictured his first Easter very differently but I can't turn back and have to make the best with what I do have left, his memory, his area. It was hard to find the perfect basket to take to him after all they don't have a "dead baby aisle"

3-Awesome Mail- I got this butterfly from Bree this week. I love how it was addressed!

I can honestly say blogging has kept me sane in these last 9 months. Making the butterflies in memory of every one's baby is very therapeutic and I make each butterfly with love. I got this in the mail Friday from Janie-JD's mommy. The stamps were totally appreciated! Thank you! It's nice to know that it is worth continuing to make them, they have helped someone remember their special someone.

Natasha from Blocks of Love sent me this- Love it! Thank you Natasha! Love u

Melissa put this together for Jeremiah for Easter! Love it! Thank you Melissa! Love u

4- Spring Break- I am off until May 2nd Hooray!

5-Finishing Jeremiah's story page. Please know that even though all of our stories are different we are not alone.

6- Trip to the Zoo on Saturday- Had a great time with my big man and little one!

7- Egg Hunt- "Look I find it!" is awesome to hear!

8- Stylish Blogger Award from both Mary and New Year's Mom. Thank you ladies! I have to complete the requirements but it is an honor non the less!

9- Pedicures-

10- NBA Playoff's- Even though Miami loss today, they are leading the series against the 76er's. (Sorry Philly fans)

That's all I have for this week. Each one has brought a smile to my face.

I also wanted to wish Jakin a very happy birthday. I missed the laughter post so I wanted to make sure Mattie knew I was thinking of him.

Thank you for reading. Have a great week!

Butterflies

I just finished a set of butterfly requests. I will drop off the butterflies at the post office tomorrow.

Have a wonderful week!

Happy List #6 and Giveaway Winners

I love the happy list Saturdays. Thank you Natasha for starting them, I have even started writing stuff down during the week to make sure I remember all of my happy things. So here is happy list #6.

1. Pool Saturday- I said I would have the winners for the giveaways by noon but it was a beautiful morning here in Florida so a trip to the pool was in order. Plus who can resist going to the pool with a cute 2 year old who gets so excited about it you have to smile!

2- Figurine- I won this awesome figurine from Mary- Addison's mommy. Actually, I was the runner up, the real winner was New Year's Mum but she did not want Mary to pay for shipping all the way to Australia. So she asked Mary to pick someone else. I absolutely love it and think of both Addie and Gabrielle when I look at it. Thank you to both ladies.

3-Jeremiah's Garden- Spring is beautiful here in Florida. I love his "garden" area. It makes me smile and think of him.

4- Laken's Bears- Melissa sent me more Laken's Bears for Jeremiah's Boxes. She also set me Pennies from Heaven. You can read more about them here. I had never seen that poem. I am collecting pennies to send her so that she can use them for such a great project. She also donated a box in memory Laken that I am excited to have in her memory. Thank you Melissa.

 

5- End of Testing- All state and district assessment are DONE in the state of Florida. That means no more proctoring and putting my kiddos aside to test. We also have four days this week before we go on spring break. I am so ready!! It definitely makes me happy.

6- NBA Playoffs- I am a total basketball fan. My favorite team is the Miami Heat- as a Miami girl I am a total fan. The playoffs started today and I have been in the pool watching the games. (We have a small TV in our pool area.) Miami won their first game and that makes this Miami girl happy!

7- Jeremiah's Pinwheel- Shauna is Janessa's mommy she has a blog called pinwheels from heaven. She added a pinwheel in memory of Jeremiah. I absolutely love it. She's awesome. She used 7 blocks since he was born in July as well as the colors I use in his memory green and blue. If you are interested in a pinwheel please check her out here. Thank you Shauna.

 

 

AND FINALLY.....

8-Giveaway winners- I am so thankful to all of you for entering the giveaways. All of your strength is definitely contagious! I had such a great experience that I will be hosting another one soon in honor of Mother's Day. So stay posted- I already have the items and can't wait to start the giveaway post.

I went to random.org to pick the winners, unfortunately I have no clue to how to show you the proof but here are the winners.

Giveaway 1- The copy of Knocked Up, Knocked Down- Jen!!

Giveaway 2- Figurine by Midnight Orange- Tiffany!!

Giveaway 3- $25 Gift Certificate to My Forever Child- Shauna!!

Winners please email me-RCalderon2629@gmail.com so I can send your items your way!

Hugs to all....Have a wonderful week!