My daughter passed away over a year ago, and I have pictures of her on the walls, My stepson is 3 and his pictures are all over the house I think its only fair to also my daughter on the wall, and put her box from the hospital out by my desk in the living room. Am I wrong?
Mostly people responded telling her that she needs to do what is best for her, but this response made me read it more than twice.
Hi everyone! I wanted to share a different perspective on this issue. I'm sharing all of this with you because I hope to spare you the pain of losing more friends in this process. Just as we don't want them to judge us for how we handle our pain & memories. we must also not judge THEM because they can't deal. I love your quote Raquel but unfortunately it's very true. Most can NOT deal with the heaviness of grief that have and are walking through. We have to. We weren't given a choice. Life happened. But they don't have to, they can choose to distance themselves. After almost 6 years we are grieved by all the friends who "fell away" because they couldn't deal. I wish looking back that I would have saved the majority of my grieving process for AMEND & the friends I made there. Unfortunately I was ignorant & shared openly with all of our "normal" friends & family & when we weren't "better" after the first 2-3 mo that people allow for grieving, they began to drift away. I miss all of them so much because they have memories of our baby & my pregnancy in their hearts that I won't ever have access to because I was ignorant in my grief process. That is why I share. You might not want to lose your babies & your friends too. Our baby ___ picture is hanging in our stairway so that people who come to visit now only see her if they go upstairs & if they want to. Just weigh the cost & hopefully learn from our grief process how NOT to lose your friends too. ♥
So it's okay to spare your feelings to save your friends?? This advice bothered me some....I know everyone grieves differently but what's wrong with grieving openly??
6 comments:
Not so sure about this thought process. While what she said is true, and by sharing your grief beyond what is considered appropriate for others will push away "friends", perhaps then they are not true friends.
21 yrs ago my sister-in-law lost a baby girl to SIDS and this was before I had children, so I did not know how to process it. Of course I was upset that my niece had died, but I did not understand my SIL's grief. But, never once did I wish that "she would just move on or get over it" Nor, would I want her to not have pictures out for all to see. If someone wanted that because of their comfort level, I would have to wonder why I was hanging around them.
Now, I understand that talk of dead babies is a downer to most social events and there are probably some places that open grief is not welcomed(office work party, comes to mind), but true close friends and family who really hold the pregnancy and baby's memories in their hearts would never let you choose between openly grieving over your child and keeping their friendship.
That advice bothers me too. I'm definitely not one to censor my talking of my son to spare anyone's feelings. If that is what she chooses to do great, but I couldn't. To me it's almost like she values her friendships more than her grief/baby. Only displaying pics in certain parts of the house so people can see? I want Julius' pic out so everyone sees my beautiful boy & who I miss every day & if people can't deal with me talking about my son, I have no problem removing them from my life.
Since losing Alexander, I've lost friends (and made others). For some it was their problem (with me) for others it was my problem (with them).
I have found that this loss (of friends) has been a LOT easier to deal with than the loss of Alexander. In the large scheme of things, they weren't that important to fight for.
I like that the poster hangs a picture of their daughter "in our stairway so that people who come to visit now only see her if they go upstairs & if they want to". We also do this but not to "save others from our grief" or to "save friendships" but because we are private people.
The feelings of my children, husband and myself are more important than my friends and family.
Maybe that's why the friends that I have left are truly special. And well, I can't pick my family (smile).
I don't agree with this advice either, at least for myself. I completely understand that some people can't "handle" our lives but you know what, there are MANY days where I can't handle it either. And I still have to deal with the fact that my son is gone. So to me whatever I have to do to make it through the day is what I'm going to do. That includes for us having pictures of Aiden around our house. His name memorials are all over the place in our house and my office at work. I have cards, angels, and dragonflies everywhere in my home and office. That's my son. I'm not going to hide the fact that I remember him every.single.day.
I also have no problem with cutting people out of my life. If you can't handle the good and the bad then you're not really my friend. And I do fortunately have a few IRL friends that are still around and have been here for us the whole time. So I know it's possible to still have a good relationship with us- maybe not easy but definitely possible. It just depends to me on how much it means to that person to do it. If they don't care then why should I waste any more of my time on them?
I have a perspective with an even longer range than the poster and I can definitely relate. There is a delicate balance between grieving openly and grieving gracefully. Interaction in the form of relationships and family cannot be static. I can see how relationships can crumble if one party feels that the other party is "stuck" in the same place. I lost my first son eight years ago and I can very honestly say that my interactions now are very different than they were eight years ago and that in the midst of deep grieving many regrettable things (that do not seem so at the time) can be done and said. I think the poster is just trying to point out to be mindful of our relationships and to be willing to consider which ones would be deeply missed in the future. A good relationship cannot be maintained when one party says "so what, deal with it", good relationships are see-saws of give and take, hurt and joy.
Thank you ladies for your perspectives. Grief/friendship is such a difficult topic.
Mandy the way that you explained it sounds so much better than the poster did and I agree with you that friendship is a give and take. I think that if a friend loves and appreciates you and your experiences they will be there through thick and thin. They will understand the need for you to mention your child every once in a while. I also agree it is a fine line and I think that as part of this experience getting stuck every once in a while with grief is normal it's just learning how to cope and become a better person and honoring your special baby at the same time. :0)
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