Am I wrong??

Hi There-
I had a question about something that has been bothering me today and I think the only people that can help me are the people who understand the situation- people who are living in my same world.

Lately I have not been able to make it to the cemetery to check on Jeremiah as much as I would like to. The main reason why is---- it is starting to turn into summer weather here in Florida. Which means the heat is outrageous and the mosquito's don't quit. I went on Friday with my husband and M. We were there for five minutes and the mosquito's had a feast. M ended up with mosquito bites all over his face. He had bug spray every where else and I looked like a pepperoni pizza wearing a skirt and shirt. I also had on bug spray. We normally go on Sundays as part of our Sunday routine but I told Jose that we could not go. He asked why and I said "Look at M's face." I feel like I am picking one child over the other and it bothers me that when we do go to check on Jeremiah we can't stay long and his area is a mess with leaves and dirt. Am I wrong that I don't want to go?? Does that mean I don't love him as much as M?? I feel terrible and torn. Sorry for the rant.

Updates

I wanted to update everyone on what's going on here in the sunshine state. First, I wanted to let everyone know that butterfly request will close on June 15. You can read more about why and or to make your request here. I am not sure when it will reopen but mostly likely sometime in August.

Secondly, I have been working hard on the next round of Jeremiah's Boxes. I am planning on donating 20 boxes to Tampa area hospitals. Five of the boxes will be for the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. There are so many new things that I have added to add more of a special touch. To read and see more go here.

I also, wanted to say thank you to some wonderful BLM mommies. First, Molly, Hayes mommy sent me some stamps for my butterfly project. She is awesome. Deanna, River's mommy also added a star for Jeremiah at River's Rally.

Natasha, Aiden's mommy made the address book below for me. I won it on one of her giveaways. I absolutely love it! Thank you Natasha.

I hope everyone has a wonderful rest of your week. Hugs to all!! Go Heat!! Sorry Dallas fans...I am a Miami girl been a fan since before the big three!

Disney World Weekend

My husband and I took our little one to Disney World this weekend. I wanted to share some pictures I took. Jeremiah is always with us and this was no exception.

I hope everyone has a great Memorial Day Weekend!

7-13 and Winner

I know I have been MIA lately. Busy does not describe the amount of stuff I have on my plate. Not a bad thing! I have lots of reading to catch up on. I am hoping this long weekend will help me catch up. This will be a semi-quick post.

I wanted to share what happened yesterday morning. My husband and little M were dropping me off at work in the morning. When I got in the car and as a habit I checked my phone. When I looked at the time it said- 7:13. My first reaction was "Wow, I'm going to be late." Then I looked at the clock in the car and it said 7:04. I then showed my husband and asked him to take out his phone. His same Driod phone said 7:02. I dropped the phone and got a little scared. You may be wondering 7:13, whats the big deal. First, my phone's time clock is set by Verizon. There is no way to change it. Then, there was no way for it to get stuck at that time, we hadn't gotten there yet that day. Last, 7-13 is Jeremiah's birthday. My husband picked up the phone and the time still hadn't changed. He handed it over to me and tears just rand down my face. My Jeremiah had sent another little hello my way. Yesterday ended up being a good day!

Now for the winner, winner chicken dinner. Thank you to all of you for entering the giveaway! I appreciate your comments and support during this journey. I don't know where I would be without it. Thank you again for following my story.  Here is what I am giving away- It is a silver butterfly heart necklace. The winner chosen by random.org is Mary- Addison's Mommy. Please e-mail me Mary at rcalderon2629@gmail.com so I can send the necklace your way.

Hugs to all and have a wonderful weekend!



50 Followers!! Time for a Giveaway!

Wow! I just noticed that this blog has reached 50 followers, that is amazing! I originally started this blog as an outlet to let my feelings of grief out. I never imagined having anyone read my thoughts. Thank you so much for taking the time to help remember my little Jeremiah.

I think this warrants a giveaway. However, I know what I would like to giveaway but want to make it a surprise. I promise it will definately be something worth it. If you are interested in entering, just comment, be a follower, and try to guess what I'm giving away. (Thought that would be fun!) I will announce the winner next Saturday May 28th on my happy list.

Hope everyone is doing well. Sending hugs your way!

Reflections of a Rainbow

Sorry for the lack of posting. I have been so busy with preparing for the end of the school year, registering m for pre-school, and the stress of Mother's Day. I've also been planning for the next round of boxes donations, as well as the upcoming birthdays in my house-My husband and kids are all in June and July.

Well as you can see from the title-this post is about a rainbow baby but that rainbow baby is me! Yes, I haven't shared this before but I am my mom's rainbow. My mom had two boys, my brother David and my brother Mariano. When David was 5 and Mariano was 3, she was told that Mariano needed to have a simple surgery to fix something in his neck and tonsils that were getting worse. Unfortunately, the simple surgery did not go well and my brother Mariano, did not make it. He passed away in April of 1980. I was born in September of 1981. The whole time my mom thought I was a boy and that day in September she got a huge surprise!

I have always known about him. My moms house has always had pictures of him, and she is very open to talking about him. I've never felt like a replacement child. My mom never allowed it. If anything she has always made sure she knew I was always wanted. My brother David, would always tell me I was adopted ofcourse I would cry so she would always step in and reassure me that I was exactly whom she needed and wanted. Needless to say, my brother also loves me dearly and is very protective of me. I remember as a 4 and 5 year old that Mariano was my imaginary friend. I've always wanted to meet him and I would always talk to him and felt he was my angel watching over me. After everything that has happened with Jeremiah, I know he has welcomed his nephew with open arms and is taking care of him. Now I feel like I have another angel up there watching over my family.

You might be asking where did this all come from? Well I was at a training yesterday and had to write a book "All About Me." When I got to the section in my book where I talked about growing up I realized that I had only mentioned David as my brother-no mention of Mariano. Then it got me thinking- when people would ask about my siblings I would always mention David- only very close friends know about Mariano. I started to wonder, is he disappointed? It gets me thinking about Jeremiah too. Will his siblings remember him? Will they leave him out? I know I will try to be like my mom and teach my rainbow and M about their brother Jeremiah and his legacy. I know M knows about him and talks about him every now and then. Every time he sees a sonogram picture- he says "Jmmamh". When he looks at my tattoo of Jeremiah's foot he touches it and says his name as well.

Funny how certain situations take you to places you never think of....Missing my bullfrog and my brother today!

Have a happy Tuesday!

Death on my Mind

I do have a happy list this week but I think I am going to put this weeks list and nexts together. I am not feeling in a happy mood, I am feeling a little morbid with the topic on my mind.

It is 4 am in my neck of the woods and one thing is on my mind- death. Why?? I think it stems from my walk down the Walmart aisles yesterday afternoon. As I was walking down the aisles I noticed a display of small Styrofoam coolers. Those coolers sent chills down my body. (I am going to be brutally honest in this post so if I offend anyone- I apologize ahead of time) 

When we loss Jeremiah we heard at the hospital that some of the funeral homes would bury your baby for free. Jose and I wondered why but were happy that was an option. When we got to the funeral home we were shown and explained all of the options available for an infant with pictures. We had yet to see the "free" option. A while later we were taken to the back and shown the different options on caskets. When we walked in the first thing that caught my eye was a Styrofoam cooler with like a plastic type lining in the inside. The funeral director walked us over to the cooler. At first I was confused, the next words out of her mouth were "Here is the first option." What??? It's a Styrofoam cooler!!! Really?!? I asked how much- just out of curiosity because I knew in my mind there was no way he was going to be in a cooler with plastic for eternity. She then went on and said that the " cooler" was complimentary. Chills went up and down my spine. Yuck! We then were shown the other two options. The second one, I was happy with (can't believe I just used that word in this whole scenario) it was a small thick plastic like coffin. The other was too big for Jeremiah. We went with option 2- we did not care how much it cost, we wanted to make sure it was something that would be okay for him. We also were shown urns and that option. My thinking behind not getting him cremated was that I hate the idea of being burned and heat. I did not want him in pain. I also liked the idea of his body being surrounded by other babies in babyland. Sometimes I do wish I had him at home. I do wish we would have had him cremated- but would that have been a better choice?

There are certain times when I visit babyland and wonder just how many babies are in coolers?? I know when I go there are plenty of plots with no marker or any indication that, that spot is someones resting place. I know those families cannot afford more so did they take the "complimentary" option?? I can't say I can blame them, planing a funeral for a baby isn't normal nor is it something many understand. Since Jeremiah has been at babyland 10 other babies have been laid to rest. Each time I see the flags I get chills and an overall sense of sadness. Out of those babies only 4 of them have markers. It's so sad.

Now that I have explained the "complimentary" option, you can see why seeing the cooler display made tears come down my face and hours later am still hating the thought of them. The things we know as baby loss parents, make us different. Loosing a child makes us see things differently, it changes our souls, minds, and spirits. I can't say I like it, I can't say it hasn't made me grown, but I can say it makes me appreciate life and legacies more than ever before. I wish I never would have had to go through this experience but it is what it is and I have to learn to overcome and become better at some point. I am scared of my own death. This topic definately takes me to that place. I haven't had a real experience with death. I have heard of it happening to others but it never has made me go through the stages of grief- why? No one who had died was close. My first official death experience was with Jeremiah. I am one of "those" people bad things happend to....

Sorry this post is so random but it's how my mind is working right now. Especially with such a morbid topic.

I miss my Jeremiah. I wish I could hug him and kiss his little face!